***Warning: This post is not for humans. If you are a human, please stop reading. Oh, is that a text message I hear? Ya, that’s right, human, go fetch.***
Okay, kitties, listen up! This is Life Hacks for Cats: How to make your life easier for a cat. Because, contrary to popular belief, our lives are not that easy. I mean, food doesn’t just appear in front of us! Oh wait, it does. Okay, let’s begin.
1. Learn to open doors. The human is unreasonably satisfied when doors are closed. See how easily I push my leg out to open it? This is much more effective than calling out for the human who is probably too busy on their iPhone anyway.
2. Get a clean litter box by not cleaning. After doing your business in the litter box, don’t cover it. That way, the human will smell it and want to clean it immediately. So, instead, just scratch the plastic. Just scratch it. And just keep on scratching as if you’re doing nothing at all. Like Shorty. Shorty’s really good at not covering her stuff. She’s a smart one.
3. Wake the human to feed you. You must wake the human at least one hour before their alarm to ensure enough time to feed you in the morning. They will mumble sweet nothings which means they appreciate you and you should keep doing it.
4. Sleep better after a safety-check. For a more peaceful rest, you must check your home for safety first. You must find suspicious pieces of paper and kill them! Investigate everything. Ensure that the toys are dead, check that the walls are structurally sound, and show the tail who is boss. Then you can sleep peacefully knowing the house is secure.
5. Be cute to get away with anything. Even if you can’t do things like open doors, just be as cute and cuddly as possible, and you can get away with anything. Seriously, you could, like, pee on the carpet and the human would be like, “Bad kitty, oh but you’re so cute.” And you could even throw up on the bed and they’d be like, “Oh you poor kitty, you don’t know what you’re doing.” But of course you do.
You can also watch the video demonstration of these life hacks for cats in the following tutorial. Go forth and conquer, fellow felines! But take a nap first. Then eat a bit. Then walk away and go back and eat a bit more. Then walk away and demand a fuller bowl so you don’t have to put your head down so far to reach, I mean come on. Then take another nap for a few hours. Then … what was I saying? Oh right, video: